role strain

Motherhood is full of challenges. Attending graduate school, working as a teaching assistant in the nursing program, and being a new mom has unique challenges. I have lamented multiple times lately to my boyfriend and my own mother about the extreme roll strain I have been feeling. When I'm at home I feel like I cannot fully enjoy motherhood because my mind is on all my schoolwork, work, and housework. However when I am at school/work I cry because I miss my baby so incredibly much. I do not feel satisfied in either role because I cannot give fully of myself to either one, it's quite the conundrum.
For now, I cannot drop any of my titles. I must continue to wear all my hats. For weeks the frustration about my role strain was building, what was I to do? I was angry at school/work because I was away from my baby (Hudson), but at home I was becoming resentful of Hudson because I could not get any schoolwork completed.
Earlier this week I was rocking Hudson attempting (and failing) to get him to take an afternoon nap. Afternoon naps often allude him and are quite the struggle for us both.  As I rocked him I could feel my body tense and my mind race as I became angrier that he would not settle down and take a nap. Couldn't he see that I needed some time to work on my paper? And the next instant I was overtaken with guilt. Immense guilt. Of course he does not know that I needed to do homework. He was trying his best to settle down but it is not his responsibility to act according to my homeworking schedule. I decided in that instant that I would not let the misery of role strain overtake my life. I did not want to look back upon Hudson's first year of life with regret that I was so focused on what I needed to get done that I did not take in what was being done.
In those moments with my baby I am/doing/being enough. I need to take in his little nose, his fingers, and even his cry. He is growing up before my eyes and I do not want to miss a thing. I cannot change my ability to get schoolwork done during his awake hours, but I can control my attentiveness to him. I need to be present, aware, and intentional. I need to give all of myself in the situation I am in, whether it be work, school, or home. This is the only way to combat the guilt and dissatisfaction of role strain.
Intentional presence in my relationships and surroundings. This is my key.

Nurse thought: I think I just applied Jean Watson's theory to my life.....    

the call to blog

I've tried writing before - journaling and some minor blogging. I've always given up prematurely because I either ran out of time or I had a difficult time coming up with getting what is in my head onto 'paper'. Yesterday in NURS 641 Dr. Abendroth called us to write... she didn't plead with us, but it felt close to it. How else do we learn from other's experiences? We tell our stories, we share them. At first I was closed-off to the whole idea because I've tried it before and did not have much success, but then I got to thinking. When I was a new mom (who am I kidding I still am a new mom) I read a few particularly poignant blog articles that made an impact on how I was feeling. At 2 am while my baby wasn't falling asleep I felt like these women's stories were speaking directly into my heart. I didn't feel desperately alone anymore. I identified with what they too had felt and I was able to take their words and apply them. My spirits felt lifted and 2 am suddenly did not seem to isolating. These women... were just storytelling. Nothing more extravagant or time consuming than that. Most likely nobody will read what I have to say, but if someone were to come along, read my thoughts, and not feel so alone then I will have done something bigger than myself.